Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Internal Clock

I had to get out of bed this morning at 4:45 to catch an early flight from San Antonio to St. Louis. In typical fashion, the alarm went off, I slapped the snooze. The phone rang with my automated wake-up call. I picked up and slammed it down. Then I spent the next 20 minutes trying to find that delicate balance between dozing and concentrating on not going past my “fail safe” time to actually get out of bed. Today that time was 5:20. The ability to sleep and concentrate on the clock simultaneously is an acquired taste much like a love of scotch; however, life would be easier if I were to just get out of bed when the alarm and phone first disturb me. That would be far too simple and thus not in line with my philosophy of life.

So anyway, back to the point of this post. Once my body semi-subconsciously decides it is time to rise and face the day with one-eye open, I have no problem. The internal clock is a magical device. If only I could harness that power in everyday life. For a more practical application consider the following: You’re at happy hour with colleagues. You are strategically holding off the first break-the-seal-pee until the conversation in which you’re engaged reaches its eight minute lull (that is the proven duration of the evolution of group conversation culminating into eight minutes of chatter before going deathly silent). Finally, you slide inconspicuously from the table and manage to make it to the urinal just before the geyser of urine spews forth in spectacular fashion. Ah, the internal clock dominates.

Or better yet, you have just had Kung-Pao Shrimp from PF Changs, your absolute favorite. You have enjoyed a nice evening with your wife of 8 yrs as you casually stroll out of the aforementioned establishment for a gentle early summer stroll. Your internal clock is ticking. It’s saying, get in the car and DRIVE…NOW. You mention we should probably head home first before going to Kohl’s to return that outfit she bought last week. On the way home, the clock is beginning to chime. The internal clock senses the distance, as if it is equipped with GPS navigation. You inch closer; one mile, then ½ mile…then you turn onto Stoney Creek Dr. Your hands are poised one on the belt buckle, one on the door handle. The garage door inches open as if time has no meaning and life will go on forever. The car makes it to the driveway and without even putting in park, you spring forth and bolt to the nearest…uh…rest-stop. You laugh, but we’ve all been there. The internal clock dominates.

Part friend, part enemy, part lover, part arch-rival…the internal clock both helps and debilitates us in perfect harmony. We should all sing the praises for our brilliant evolutionary trait which sets us apart from the animals…well that and our opposable thumbs. We hate it. We love it. No matter your preference du jour, we cannot live without it.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Top 10 Sayings by a Southwest Flight Attendant

10. “ladies and gentlemen the captain has indicated our final approach into Dallas…please discontinue the use of portable electronic devices, this includes iPods, laptops, Gameboys, Blackberries, blueberries, cranberries, and strawberries…if we should see you utilizing any electronic device, we will be compelled to confiscate it…especially if its an iPod…and you like country music…”

9. “in the unlikely event we should land in a pond in west Texas, you will find a lifevest under your seat cushion”

8. “For those of you paying attention to our safety demonstrations, thank you…to those of you that didn’t, gooood lu-uck!”

7. “…if you’re flying with a child or someone acting like a child, please place the mask over your nose and mouth first then assist the child…if you’re traveling with more than one child…what were you thinking? Well, pick the one with the most potential I guess”

6. DING…“ok kids, give your seat belt a tug and your neighbor a hug, we’ve been cleared for takeoff!”

5. “we will be dimming the cabin lights, if you need additional reading light please reach up and touch the button with the picture of a light bulb to turn on your overhead light…but please note, the button with the picture of a person will not necessarily turn on your flight attendants”

4. “ladies and gentlemen we will be coming through the cabin one last time to collect any remaining service items…cups, wrappers, newspapers, spare change, watches, jewelry, savings bonds, anything you would like to discard”

3. (singing) “ we love you, you love us, we’re much faster than the bus…with a grin and a smile we’re happy as can be…marry one of us and you’ll fly free”

2. “this is a Boeing 737-300 series, so to open the emergency exit, just pull the lever, grab the bottom handle, pull towards you and chunk it out the opening…just be careful not to scratch the paint as it cuts into our profit sharing”

1. “welcome to Phoenix, where the local time is…oh I have no idea, but I’m pretty sure it’s happy hour…last one off the plane has to clean it…kidding, the time is really…wow, it really is happy hour!”